Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm, cutting
I just cut myself, intentionally, for the first time, perhaps only 10 minutes before I started writing this sentence. I am now a cutter. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again, but I needed to do something, I needed a release. Pressure has been back building in my life for a little bit now, and lately it’s like someone opened the valves wide open. It’s… unpleasant. After a conversation with someone, I hit my limits and I felt outright suicidal.
Cutting can be an alternative for some to suicide, some even say it makes you feel better – the pain comes, the endorphins flow, and you feel better, even if only for a little while. Well, it did help, at least briefly, and then I found my reason to live, at least until my next reason comes along. A friend made a joke, and though it should be offensive, it was actually funny, I laughed, and that very small change was enough to bring me back.
So now where does this leave me? Honestly, at the moment, it just leaves me with some cuts in my beautiful skin – something I’d long ago pledged not to do to myself. If I ever tried to kill myself, I wanted to have something left, if only a small semblance of my dignity, and perhaps a little bit of vanity. I never thought myself truly beautiful, but I have finally believed, at least a little, that I really do have gorgeous skin, and now that I know that, I want to hold onto that, even in death, at least until that is claimed by the ravages of time.
These cuts of mine aren’t deep, they will heal, and quickly. I don’t suppose I’ll even end up with any scars, and for that, I’m grateful. If I don’t ever cut again, maybe I won’t have to live with a permanent reminder of such a dark place in my life. If I’m really lucky, perhaps this dark place will be transient and superficial, and in time I won’t even remember what it was like to feel this way.
The very least that cutting can provide is this – taking the time to cut alone, especially your first time – is an extra moment of pause that you grant to yourself to stop and think before doing something much more final. Though I once disagreed (strongly) with this sentiment, cutting is an alternative to suicide. If it keeps you in the game, just about anything is.