Im So MAD

TW: suicidal thoughts, abuse

I’ve spent way too much of my teenage years wanting to be dead.

All of this could’ve been prevented. All I needed was my mother to support me, build up my self esteem, get me help for my eating disorder, be someone I could talk to. Instead she tore down what little self esteem I had bit by bit, contributed to my eating disorder, and was generally untrustworthy, unpredictable, and indecipherable.

Why didn’t anyone notice what was going on? I tried to talk to family about it but all they had to say was that my mom was a wonderful person and mother and everyone has trouble during the teenage years. No one but my mother (and possibly her friends if she told them) knows how bad it was. Maybe if I had killed myself they would understand. Except probably not because even when a teenager writes a fucking suicide note describing her abuse and reasoning for suicide her family still ignores it. RIP, Leelah Alcorn.
What has to happen for kids like me to get a family to take care of them properly?

Even though I’m out of my moms house, she still texts me saying she loves me and sends me packages. I still talk to her, ask her to pay for my college. I don’t hate her. I hate how she treated me. And she thinks because she’s acted like a reasonable person for the last 6 months, that everything’s ok between us. But its not. In an argument I brought up the last big thing she did, which was get angry and at and then pull my hair, and she called me cruel for bringing it up and said, ‘haven’t you made mistakes?’ I’m the cruel one? I’ve never taken out my anger on my own child. I’ve never done that repeatedly over years to gradually erode my child’s sense of worth and happiness. That’s not a ‘mistake’. I wonder what she would say if I told her I cut off my hair because of that in an act of self-mutilation? She’d probably tear up and accuse me of trying to hurt her. Fuck that.

I still feel guilty even thinking of calling my mother abusive. She would never even consider herself that way. Who’s wrong?

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