I am no stranger to self-advocating. In some situations I have no problem. With medical SRS or involving my physical health I am not shy. But when it comes to my mental health, I freeze up and cannot talk, I console myself by rocking and sometimes that makes it even worse, worried people are looking at me wondering what’s wrong with me, not knowing they are what is wrong with me.
I’ve stumped my therapist and psychiatrist, they cannot seem to find a cause or a cure to stop this behavior. It’s embarrassing in public, but I cannot stop. When I go to see my psychiatrist, I cannot stand up and say, “hey this is not working for me, this is not helping,” it’s always me agreeing on everything they say just to get out of there. Even with my therapist I still keep most things to myself.
It’s like I am trying to hide my underlying problems. If I don’t talk about it, then it doesn’t exist, which is doing me no good, but I have also found that both psychiatrist and therapist, have nothing to say. They never ask me questions, they just listen and do what they want. My psychiatrist tells me what meds I’m going to take. Sometimes she asks me if I have tried this or that medication and tries to change the core medications that’ve been on for years. While most are helping, my meds need to be tweaked, but they change them or try too quickly. Or increase and decrease the dose based on my anxiety alone.
I am now on two antipsychotics, Abilify and Seroquel. Doc says it will help me sleep as well as help the ability to calm down and not be so impulsive and angry. Finally they gave me an anti-anxiety med, which is not helping but she says she can’t go any higher with it. I’m wondering if there is another medication I can take, but I cannot stand up to her and say it’s not working, her answer is exercise and meditation with breathing exercises. The problem with that is I go to the gym, and I always worry someone is watching everything I do, every word that falls out if my mouth. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, not being in control of yourself. I want my control, which I have never really had, and my mental health is not helping that situation, I just want to be “normal” but I always wonder what normal is like, seeing as to be in my head, that seems impossible and I’m ready to give up.