Sensitive Soul

“You’re too sensitive.” ” You’re too emotional.” Two of the most common sentences I hear, that and “You’re too literal.” Yes I am sensitive, and I am emotional, and yes I am very literal. It’s who I am and how I am. I know if I could change that I would, but unfortunately it’s the nature of the beast that is me.

People tend to question my masculinity based on those three things. I think that being able to be sensitive and emotional is a good and strong trait. Although I wish I could grow a bit of tougher guts inside that is as strong as my skin, with my skin I let things roll right off, and inside it hits me hard. I’m a combination of inner and external emotional sensory. Some things I can just let slide off and forget, but others hit my tough skin and make tiny cracks that let the pain inside.

I do the best I can to let it be, fake it till you make it kind of thing. Once I am triggered into being super sensitive and emotional, I lose myself. Sometimes I can actually leave my body mentally and watch what my physical self is doing, but there is no way to stop my self from irrational actions, and sometimes even words. Now, being too literal is very difficult to deal with, I need things said blunt and to the point. Sarcasm and beating around the bush are difficult for me to deal with because 99.9% of the time I will take what is said and face value, I will believe most thing that are said to me, and don’t really know I am being literal. I cannot come up with an example at the moment, but there have been quite a few times my extreme literal self gets mixed with being sensitive and emotional.

Not knowing what a person is actually wanting to say makes my anxiety go through the roof and I get confused and feel very stupid. Something no one wants to feel. With all the panic and confusion my fears of abandonment come out with a passion. My inner self is feeling stupid, useless and unwanted, so my fear of being left emerges. All in all, I feel like one big trigger. On top of BPD I also have BP. They are a strange combination of symptoms- so close, yes- when really looked into they are very different. It’s odd having a solid mood and then within that solid mood is a very fluid one or five. If my BP has me in a down mood, some times by BPD can make me feel anxious and excited or even happy, but in a depressed way. It’s always difficult to explain. That’s the best I can do, it’s an emotion(s) on top of another emotion(s).

I have always been sensitive, always a highly anxious, depressed person, they did some test on me as a kid, and my results were always the same, shy, emotional, extreme nervousness, and the list goes on. But being so emotional takes its toll on relationships. Arguments that should be very small, end up into a drop down drag out fight. Even someone looking at me, I can perceive it as anger or disapproval and my anxious, defensive, and emotional self comes out. Every time it comes to that, I feel like I am bad and not good enough to be around whoever I made angry. With my BPD, it’s almost like a prison, in fact it is worse because it life sentencing with no way to escape. To put everything into two words, it’s hell!