The Sickness

I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Rhys. In his first post with us, he talks about how his BPD affects his relationships with other people. Thanks for sharing with us, Rhys!

Recently I have been fighting a raging battle with myself internally, I have… not AM, but have BPD. I have a very difficult time with my interpersonal relationships, all having one huge symptom. Nausea. I find that when I spend too much time, and start getting a closer relationship with someone, may it be family, or a lover, or simply a good friend, my body starts to reject the closeness. It’s as though my wiring cannot handle emotional attachment. Usually within 3 months of a relationship or friendship, the very thought of spending any time with that person make me sick to my stomach.

One of the hardest one is dealing with family. I have been spending a lot of time with my mom, and most of the time things are ok, but there are days, even weeks, where I cannot be around her for more than a few hours. Recently she has been opening up to me and talking about more emotional things. Within a few minutes of our conversation, the sickness takes over. It takes everything in me not to run away. After such conversations I find the I isolate and do everything possible to avoid any kind of contact possible.

Right now I don’t have a therapist to help me work through this, but even when I did I was to embarrassed and ashamed to really disclose this issue. Who wants to admit that any kind of emotional contact make you physically ill? I know I need to face this thing head on, but where to start is the difficult part. It is partially swallowing my pride and admitting that I am extremely emotionally damaged. I’m not sure if there will ever be a time when this does not effect me. Sadly it runs a lot of my life especially when having any kind of relationships with people. I don’t think I am the only one in the world with this problem, but I feel very much alone.