Author Archive

Lost Contact

Imagine never being alone, and still being lonely. Its just as empty in my chest as it is full in my house. Always people coming and going. Talking, yelling, laughter. Noise, it has just become noise to me.

I just want to be Ok…

Trigger Warning: Descriptions of intense anxiety and depression.

It sneaks up and burns my heart like someone poured acid into my chest. This acid is my depression, abandonment issues, severe anxiety, and the fear of both. Most of the time they pop up without provocation. No reason for the anxiety, no cause for depression, and no one around to abandon me.

Self advocate

I’ve stumped my therapist and psychiatrist, they cannot seem to find a cause or a cure to stop this behavior. It’s embarrassing in public, but I cannot stop. When I go to see my psychiatrist, I cannot stand up and say, “hey this is not working for me, this is not helping,” it’s always me agreeing on everything they say just to get out of there. Even with my therapist I still keep most things to myself.


I want to put my best foot forward, but I only have two feet with the same mind. Can’t move forward, can’t go back, can’t stop what’s going to happen and cannot change what already has happened. And my past actions have made huge holes in my life, and my thoughts and emotions have minds of their own and take control, leaving me with a vague feeling that something happened, I did or said something and I cannot put my finger on the insanity that is driving my life.

The beast in me

There is a beast in me, lying in wait to break through. When it does, it appears in the form of anger, frustration, fear, and anxiety. This beast likes to show up and the most inconvenient times.

a little something…

See if i care, flat out, see if i care, if i care about you, if i care about this or that, and I’ll lie, hold my words at bay, smile outward, pain inward, and I put my heart on my sleeve and make my legs work, one step at a time and hold my head high, and eyes locked forward.


It’s been many years since I have been “alone”. Recently my wife decided she was no longer in love with me, as well as telling me she wanted off the Rhys roller coaster. I told her from the very beginning how I was and what to expect, I even went as far to tell her that she would not be able to handle me. Somehow she convinced me that she in fact would be and could handle me and all of my “crazy”. We got married, and a year and a half later she dropped the ‘I cannot live like this’ bomb. So that left me here, alone.

Sensitive Soul

“You’re too sensitive.” ” You’re too emotional.” Two of the most common sentences I hear, that and “You’re too literal.” Yes I am sensitive, and I am emotional, and yes I am very literal. It’s who I am and how I am. I know if I could change that I would, but unfortunately it’s the nature of the beast that is me.

The Sickness

I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Rhys. In his first post with us, he talks about how his BPD affects his relationships with other people. Thanks for sharing with us, Rhys!

Recently I have been fighting a raging battle with myself internally, I have… not AM, but have BPD. I have a very difficult time with my interpersonal relationships, all having one huge symptom. Nausea. I find that when I spend too much time, and start getting a closer relationship with someone, may it be family, or a lover, or simply a good friend, my body starts to reject the closeness.