It’s been many years since I have been “alone”. Recently my wife decided she was no longer in love with me, as well as telling me she wanted off the Rhys roller coaster. I told her from the very beginning how I was and what to expect, I even went as far to tell her that she would not be able to handle me. Somehow she convinced me that she in fact would be and could handle me and all of my “crazy”. We got married, and a year and a half later she dropped the ‘I cannot live like this’ bomb. So that left me here, alone.
I first moved in with some friend as far as I could get away from her, but that didn’t pan out too well so I ended up moving home with my family. That being said, I like to say that I’m alone, but when it comes down to it, am I? Sure I’m single, but am I really alone? I don’t really think so. I keep myself busy and I keep myself feeling needed by meeting everyone in the houses needs to the best of my abilities. So, no I don’t think I’m truly alone, I don’t know how to be. The longest I have been single since my first girlfriend was 3 years, but even then I wasn’t alone. Then like now, I moved home to be with my family. So I have to face fact and admit, I cannot be alone. That doesn’t mean I can’t be single, although I hate it with a passion. For the first time since my dating career started, I have no interest in a relationship, casual or serious. I am not sure why this time is different but it is, and my mental health is caught in limbo because of it. Part of my brain is slightly relieved the other is causing serious panic and stress. I’m not fully alone, but at the same time I am very alone. There is no one around who can relate or really understand what my brain is doing. No one to really talk about it with or bounce my irrational thoughts off of.
Right now I’m without a therapist or real mental health help, and that it making it more difficult. I feel very alone and isolated even when I don’t have much time where I am by myself. The worst time and the time that makes me really feel empty and alone is when it’s time to go to sleep. There are times where I lay there for hours upon hours while my mind thinks up insane thoughts and takes over all of my emotions and send me into panic attacks when I realize I’m the only one laying in this bed, in the dark. So as much as I am not alone physically, I feel completely and utterly alone and isolated from the world. No one to understand or relate to what I am feeling or going through. No one to talk to or make a connection with, just me and the darkness.