Once again I’m stepping on in charted areas, trying to slow my mind and breathe a little more. Trying to get out of the old and into the new, but I always feel the need to disclose my mental status with people I am interested in. It’s a difficult process. Sure I can give them the diagnosis, but words mean nothing to actions. And my actions are so unpredictable, random, and out of my control. I’m trying hard to keep my mind in check and my actions under my control. But they always have a mind of their own. Black and white thinking never makes a good impression. Trying to explain and express the possibility of my soon to come emotions and reactions is trying to talk to someone who doesn’t speak the same language.
There is a lot weighing down my soul and emotions, so shut off and shut down. Everything I do, even if I have done it before, I get the same action and the same reactions. I can’t control my mind, and in turn cannot hold back my negativity. I want to put my best foot forward, but I only have two feet with the same mind. Can’t move forward, can’t go back, can’t stop what’s going to happen and cannot change what already has happened. And my past actions have made huge holes in my life, and my thoughts and emotions have minds of their own and take control, leaving me with a vague feeling that something happened, I did or said something and I cannot put my finger on the insanity that is driving my life.
This roller coaster will never end, super high free falling to the lowest and most deviating bottom, only to go back up again. I cannot get control of my emotions which it turns leave my actions at the mercy of my insanity. And yes, I can say it, and say it will some pride, I am insane, but it’s made me who I am, not just the negative, but even the positive. I feel things so strongly to the point where I stop feeling at all. And now being numb nothing makes sense and to be honest I just don’t care, I’d rather feel nothing at all than the pain that eats my mind and heart.
My thoughts running up a hill begging my aching heart to slow down, seeing the summit so close but the harder and fast I run, the further it goes. I cannot find a stopping point, I’m running till my lungs burn and no matter how much I breathe, I’m suffocating. Will my mind ever let me go, let me free, let life move in a controlled manner, where the power is in my hands, not at the mercy of my damaged heart and mind?