Trigger Warning: Intense descriptions of severe anxiety and depression.
Sometimes I struggle with pain, not the physical type, the emotion type. It sneaks up and burns my heart like someone poured acid into my chest. This acid is my depression, abandonment issues, severe anxiety, and the fear of both. Most of the time they pop up without provocation. No reason for the anxiety, no cause for depression, and no one around to abandon me. I try my hardest to work through it, but sometimes not even an entire of Xanax can fix it. Depression alone is brutal, add the other it makes my skin feel unlivable. Cant eat, cant sleep, barely breathing. My heart starts to ache as if someone left me standing in the middle of the street after they told me they don’t love me anymore and just drove off. That’s when the anxiety comes in like a bull in a china shop. Wreaking havoc on anything and everything in its path. Complete destruction of my inner self. All I can manage to think is, “what did I do”. Never knowing or really seeing that in fact, it was not me. Even when I discover it wasn’t me, out of habit I still blame myself. My Mental Illness is no joke, 5 medications, some twice a day, along with pain medications for my spine run my life. Without the antipsychotic and mood stabilizer along with the others, I cannot function. I know when I don’t have them I’m going to hit rock bottom and go through hell to get there. Sometimes I can see sounds, or it feels like the ground is coming up to my feet rather then my feet down to it. There are many more symptoms that let me know something is wrong, but this is not about my symptoms. Its about the pain that I put myself through, for no good reason. The pain is subtle at first, but then it hits like a sledge hammer on a small rock, smashing it into dust. I wish I could say there was a cause, a reason, something concrete I could put my finger on so I could take control. I think maybe that’s why it’s so hard, I cannot control it. It is my master and I its slave, and right now all the therapy in the world cant save me, so how do I i fix it. I know how to just suck it up and deal with, keep walking and not look down. But in the silence in my world, in my head there is a war raging out of control, my rational mind cannot take charge and relieve it. Even with the medications on board. It hurts, so bad I can hardly breathe, let alone function. All I want is a moment of peace. Its hiding from me, no matter what I do, it’s there. It’s a crazy stalker that never gets caught. So what do I do, where do I go, who do I call, as if that would make a difference. I just want this pain to stop, the anxiety to take a hike and my abandonment issues to realize I’m not always alone, and not everyone has or will leave me standing alone under the street life that is my “insanity.” I just want to be ok.