Activism and Me
Posted in Activism, Anxiety, Depression, Oppression, Personal Stories, Self-Care By Jasper-Jinx Moriarty On August 16, 2012
I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Jasper Moriarty. In xyr first post with us, xe discusses xyr struggle with balancing self-care with activist work. Thanks for sharing with us, Jasper!
Trigger Warnings: mention of death and rape threats
Alternatively titled: A Struggle For Balance
My activism is a crucial part of my life, despite my strange relationship with it. It’s not quite splitting (something that happens in Borderline Personality Disorder, where a person is unable to integrate the good and bad qualities of something/someone and therefore keeps them distinctly separate), but I would call it somewhat comparable.
Activism isn’t good for me most of the time — that’s the cold, hard truth. It keeps my blood boiling on high and it wears me down, and more often than not, it makes me feel like shit rather than empowered. I have a very finite amount of emotional resources, and sometimes I dedicate myself so thoroughly to my personal activism that I entirely forget to tend to the rest of myself. This often times ends up cyclical: I’ll feel horrible because of burnout, seek out comfort in familiar things (in this instance, running on “high energy” mode instead of “conservation” when pursuing my activism), and then … well, you guessed it, it just feeds right back into the root of the problem. I don’t know how to rework my habits and avoid this. Other times, it’s one of the few things that keeps me in a stable place and allows me to think of myself as someone with value, and it’s something that I’m driven to do outside of the effect it has on me personally, so it’s not all bad, just … tricky as hell.
To be clear, in the following part of this discussion, I am not addressing “survival activism”, I.E. focusing on issues pertaining solely to yourself/the groups you belong to; I am referring to a more widespread goal of advocation — and also, let me note that I see no issues with the former.
With that said, moving on.
Whether or not people are willing to acknowledge it, the culture around activism can be toxic, especially on fast-paced microblogging sites like Tumblr (where I spend a lot of my time, and therefore I speak from experience). It’s a sore spot for a lot of people, because acknowledging this also means acknowledging that they might be contributing to what they’re fighting against, and that’s never fun. It’s something I struggle with myself.
In places like these, activism is often twisted around into a job than something you choose to take upon yourself. Expectations are high, and the community often turns inward on itself to pick each other apart. I’ve seen it happen — mostly because it’s always happening. People get death and rape threats, sometimes for asking for their own needs to be considered (such as trigger warnings) and sometimes for making innocent mistakes with no malicious intent. Being angry is fine. It can be a big part of what drives people to activism, and it certainly is for me, but the bottom line is that it takes a toll on you mentally and physically, and picking and choosing my battles is something that I’m working on. I can’t afford to be angry all the time. I wouldn’t be able to handle myself if I was, and this prevalent attitude of constant aggression is something that contributes heavily to my anxiety and self-hatred.
There are a lot of things that factor into my activism, how I feel about it, and how I go about it, but in the end, it’s not something I can ever just drop, no matter how stressful it is. All I can do is learn how to go about it better — a constant process — and that’s something I’m okay with.
About Author
Jasper-Jinx Moriarty
I am: 18 years old, nonbinary/agender, femme, queer (demisexual and grey-area aromantic), neuroatypical, kinky, and poly. 'm not currently going to school but when I do I want to study biomed and become a coroner. I like dead things, kink, sociology, psychology, feminism, witchery, and fandom. My pronouns are xe/xem/xyr or they/them/theirs. I have experience with autism (Asperger's specifically), depression, anxiety, BPD, self-harm, eating disorders, and a whole slew of other things that tie into what's already been mentioned.
thanks for sharing this. i feel like tumblr creates a space where to say this kind of thing would be unthinkable. like, man, if you admit you’re burn out and miserable and down on yourself, if you admit you think the way some things get handled is problematic, you are the enemy. you burrow deeper into isolation and resentment. if you say the wrong thing you will lose friends and everyone will know you for the shitty person you are.
there is very little accommodation of mental illness and survivor history in call-out culture. i have seen people who were triggered by being called out ridiculed for their triggers, completely dismissed and denied respite from
something that was actively triggering to them as survivors or abuse. it’s like. how can we handle this differently, without letting people who say oppressive things off the hook. without silencing people’s anger. it’s difficult.
so. that’s activism. i’m not sure what i’m responding to.
also: hey, jas! here via tumblr and i’m so excited to see what you do with your position as part of queer mental health! i like seeing your writing!
I don’t know what the type of activism that wears you down is, but I’ve found that the best way to avoid this sort of burnout is by carefully balancing the ways you engage in it.
I know it can be tempting to get your hands dirty A.S.A.P. and help where it seems people need help most, but if you’re only doing high-stress work providing counsel or relief to people in desperate situations (suicide hotlines and women’s shelters are particularly exhausting for me), activism can get draining quickly. If you volunteer every weekend doing that, for example, you could cut it down to every other weekend, and spend the weekends in between doing something like a big brothers/sisters program where it’s not so depressing (if you volunteer every other week, you could cut it down to once a month; if you volunteer MWF, you could skip Fridays and do something less taxing on Mondays). After-school programs for elementary-aged children in need are often looking for volunteers, and they can be pretty fun, even! Because it’s election season, there are lots of opportunities to canvass for organizations with political aims. For example, if your state has a measure that aims to restrict abortion? You could volunteer for Planned Parenthood (if my examples are slanted toward feminist activism, that’s because it happens to be my focus, forgive please).
As for blogging, I understand the utility of providing links to resources and so on, but I recommend staying away from the “culture of activism” on blogging sites like tumblr, twitter, and livejournal, if only because the discourse is so bogged down by petty in-group displays of status and establishing the pecking order in the group (instead of any real focus on progress) that it seems like a lot of people think they’re still in a high school clique! There are some people out there who will chastize you for, for example, writing “he/she” every time instead of mixing it up with “she/he,” but who never engage in constructive activism outside the easy channel of the internet, and you shouldn’t let these armchair activists get you down. I understand the importance of having a group of like-minded, radical, queer friends who care about the issues that matter to you, but I’ve found groups in real life are more constructive, as you can push each other to work hard, stay involved, keep each other company 🙂 I also find that letting yourself get sucked into that sort of thing is ultimately a distraction that just saps time and energy from both your pleasurable leisure periods AND your work for social change. It’s amazing how much time and brainpower it frees up and how much less stressed you can be when you give yourself permission to unplug from the blogosphere and keep your activism contained in your work/volunteering hours.
Remember to let self-care come first to avoid burnout-you can’t help others at the expense of yourself! It’s especially important for neuroatypical activists to stay in touch with what their body and brain need to stay healthy, as we may have additional hurdles to jump and sink lower or bounce back slower from psychic troubles than neurotypicals may. Don’t feel bad about cutting down on the hours you devote to activism-if you’re out there doing anything at all in the real world, every single hour you can spend is appreciated (and you’re doing more than the vast majority of your peers on tumblr, let me tell you that!).
Good luck, stay healthy, and don’t forget to put yourself first 🙂