Bipolar Disorder Archive

The last few weeks have been chaotic for me. I’ve been in a mixed episode, and starting last week, I’ve been hearing voices. Whispers, chatter, and someone calling my name. All either alone, or only with my partner nearby, and she’s confirmed that they aren’t things that she’s heard. I’ve also been feeling like the crows that wake me up in the morning are mocking me. I’ve known for months that something like this was inevitable, but it’s still jarring to experience a psychotic episode for your first time.

I have the innate human longing for community and love, and also decades of experience that teaches me about group dynamics and human behavior and interaction. I know what I am susceptible to, who and what can trigger me, and who can lead me in the direction of becoming someone I am not, or someone I do not wish to be. I have embraced the autonomous individual from a social species. And that is who I am.

For me, being “bipolar” is about my environment as much as it is about my mind. Almost 30 years of experience to put into words… It is impossible. So I am spitting out the feelings instead.

I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Kale Likover. In their first post with us, they discuss the issues that come with trying to maintain a relationship with a partner when one has bipolar disorder. Thanks for sharing with us, Kale!

It’s happened to me twice, getting serious with a partner like “forever” serious, and then we move in together and I have a breakdown. Is it possible for me, a two-spirited person with bipolar and depression to maintain a serious intimate relationship? If I attribute my downfalls to my mania or depression am I not taking responsibility for them.

Triggers: suicide, massive mood swings, depression, mixed states, angry rantings of a crazy person, premonitions that would likely be labeled psychosis by a psychiatrist, raw unedited emotional writing, car accidents

I clicked on the suicide prevention link at the top of the home page before beginning to write here. I am not close. I know too well what close is. But I have every thought listed on that page. I wanted to write about the horrors of mixed states. I am in one. But how can I write about one when I am in one without broken fragments or run on sentences that won’t make sense to anyone.

Trigger warning for description of a suicide attempt, and discussion of sexual assault.

All my life, I’ve been told by those around me that I am highly intelligent, and could do just about anything I set my mind to. I got good grades in school, for the most part (though they dropped a fair bit close to graduating high school), and was known as a happy-go-lucky kid that always found the positive side of just about anything (or anyone).