These are the personal stories of people who have dealt with various mental health issues. Some of these stories are very personal, and can be triggering. We hope, however, that readers and writers will find support and community through these stories. If you have a story you would like to add here, please go to http://queermentalhealth.org/write/ for more information.
Trigger Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation
I don’t recall exactly when my battle with anorexia started, but I seem to remember other people noticing it when I was about fourteen. Maybe the fact that I had always been unhealthy due to multiple medical conditions that caused me to have to travel to Vancouver, British Columbia, almost monthly for often painful or at least uncomfortable tests to try and give a treatable diagnosis; a process that seemed to always be in vain.
I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Yael Cohen. In her first post with us, she tells her story of battling with depression. Thanks for sharing with us, Yael!
Trigger Warnings: Suicidal ideation, rape, sexual assault
I havent always been this way, when I was younger I like to think I was a pretty normal, what we would now refer to as a gender fluid child. I was born with an intersex spectrum disorder. My depression started when I was about eight, as at the time I was being raped by a family “friend.” This would lead later to a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (at age 9) and Major Depressive Illness (at age 16) after a stay in the psychiatric ward for suicidal ideation. To top it off I spent much of my formative years in hospitals as I was born with several problems physically. Just to add to my depressed mood.
I am a 33 year old woman. I received a diagnosis about a year and a half ago of Borderline Personality Disorder. At first I didn’t really understand what it was. I thought, Isn’t what I have more serious than that? I was pretty sure I had something else, something more recognizable. Something I’d actually heard of, for instance. Turns out it’s serious enough. On top of the shitstorm of feelings and thoughts I have on a daily basis, professionals are reluctant to treat people with BPD. We’re notorious for being ‘hard to deal with’.
Seven years ago I got tired of living my life the way I was. I couldn’t stop drinking, smoking, eating or doing drugs. I was sick constantly. I was living in harmful situations with toxic people, and each and every day was exactly the same. My only respite was to go out and get loaded again.
Trigger Warning: Bullying, School Violence
I had never even met these kids before. One of them came up to me while I was at my locker and just said “Whatchu been sayin’ about my mama?” I had no idea what he was talking about – I’d never even seen him to my recollection. So I basically ignored him and went back to dealing with my locker.
I am not sure where to start. There is so little I remember. I’m not even certain of my exact diagnosis now. Is it psychotic depression or schizoaffective disorder? Or something else? It doesn’t really matter.
Upon arriving which was already somewhat late, she gave me a small ziploc bag with an Ambien in it in case I had difficulty getting to sleep. I told her that was almost a guarantee, and so she suggested I take it as soon as I got settled for bed. Settling into the remarkably comfortable bed, I opened my laptop and checked Facebook again, checking in with people one more time for that awful day, and let a few close friends know I was staying with someone for the night and I was safe. I took the Ambien with the rest of my meds, and rolled over to try to sleep.
When I finally came out as bisexual to myself and others, however, there was no end to the comments.
I didn’t become bulimic to lose weight, as most people assume is the case with bulimics who happen to also be fat. I became bulimic because I didn’t want to gain any more weight and I couldn’t stop eating to deal with myself and with the world around me. I became bulimic because ultimately I wanted to feel like I had some kind of control over my rapidly downward-spiraling life.
Trigger warning for description of psychotic hallucinations, mentions of drug addiction & alcoholism
Schizoaffective Disorder, a fusion between Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, combines the symptoms of both. I was diagnosed with it three years ago after a lifetime of Bipolar I with psychotic symptoms. I could say the results were shattering, but in a way the diagnosis was a relief: to have a name for the paranoia, the white vans following me whenever I left the house, an explanation for the voices, the dialogue constantly critiquing my actions. The schizophrenic break came that terrifying summer after graduating from an MFA program with no prospects and huge debt, but perhaps I should begin at the beginning.
