Grief Archive

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  • Christian, A Poem About Grief

    I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Rose. In her first post with us, she shares her feelings about the loss of her beloved dog. Thanks for sharing with us, Rose!

    While I was in residential treatment for self harm, my dog and lifelong friend and brother died. He was very sick and had to be put down so he wouldn’t suffer anymore. My family is still shaken up.

    Suicide, In Memory of their son fifteen months ago.

    Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide, and grief.

    I was walking on Eight Avenue to catch my bus when I stopped abruptly causing the couple which I has just passed to stop as well. The only thing I heard, was “are you going to talk this loud all night so that everyone could here what you say,” followed by laughter. The laughter peaked my curiosity so I turned and said what was so funny. The wife said you heard me, I said no all I heard was your husband and asked her what did you say, her reply, there goes a man I would love to have sex with as they continued to laugh.

    Ooh-Rah

    Your pain is in my DNA,
    Father,
    As real as the shrapnel
    Still in your legs
    Decades later

    My Experience with Medical Marijuana as a Psychiatric Medication and Harm Reduction Strategy

    Trigger Warnings: suicidal ideation, grief, alcoholism, drug use.

    When I first came to medical marijuana, I was desperate. Fighting Schizoaffective Disorder, alcoholism, PTSD, the recent death of my wife, chronic anxiety, and newly recovered childhood abuse memories, all I wanted was to be put out of my misery. I told my therapist, “When an animal is broken, you either shoot it or put it out to pasture comfortably, I’ll take either one.”

    My Experience with Detox and Outpatient Rehab

    My alcoholism reached a head in spring of 2013, brought to desperation by the death of my wife and my subsequent despair. By this point I was drinking from three pm onward everyday, first wine and then vodka, whiskey or rum. Nothing would bring her back, but I could annihilate myself. It was starting to dawn on me, though, that this was making me nothing but miserable. I wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything. I wasn’t socializing or running errands. I could barely cook. Being on disability, I wasn’t working. My full-time job was getting to the bottom of the bottle.

    I would explain it to you, but I don’t know how.

    These past months (as gone by my silence) have slowly burned me down to nothing. I took on too much took quickly, became everyone’s rock, and I forgot about myself.

    My brothers death happened seven months ago. People are now telling me it’s time to pack his things away, time to dust his room (which is now my room). People are telling me it’s time to put him away.

    But how am I meant to put away a life I am just beginning to grieve? And from this, I get asked; “Why do you feel this way now?”

    Death and the aftermath

    My wife died four months ago. We had fought the night before, ending with her saying she was taking a bunch of pills. I thought she was joking. I woke up next to a corpse. I woke up with a black eye I didn’t remember getting and spent five minutes trying to clean the vomit from around her mouth until I realized she was dead. Time stands still, memories fail. I called 911 and the person on the line tried to get me to move her from the bed to the floor. I tried, moving a women my same height to the floor, dancing with rigor mortis. A rush of urine. It was then, holding that corpse, that it first hit me.

    Brother Mine

    I’m afraid you have become furniture, brother mine.

    Nothing but an engraved box among a hollow wooden desk.

    You’re not longer those books your read, the letters that lined

    The inside of your throat and tongue. You’re no longer

    The songs you played with shaking fingers and bouncing

    Legs at three AM when the world finally dozed to sleep.

    Goodbye, Katie

    I want to give my heartfelt condolences to one of our writers on this website, Ava Gaul. Three days ago she lost her wife Katie, to suicide. As some of our writers have pointed out before, a person’s suicide not only affects those close to them, but entire communities. Despite not knowing Katie at all, […]

    The Science and Mathematics of Death

    Editor’s note – this story is continued from On Death, Depression, And The Moments Of Solitude That Follow.

    I feel with death, a new journey in life begins. We must relearn how to live for the sake of our livelihoods. For the sake of life itself.