Hospital Epiphanies

So this past Tuesday evening I had a half dozen cops and an ambulance at my apartment… Again…. Not that I have had that many cops come in the past, usually they only send two guys in a squad car to come and pick me up. It could be that now there is some flag in their computer system that pops up when my name appears because in September when they were last here I was armed and non-compliant. Either way, I had a plethora of police here on Tuesday night.

It all started when I went to an AA meeting earlier that Tuesday evening. After which my sponsor told me that she would no longer be my sponsor because she thought that I was sexually attracted to her; Which is true, so she had a point. However I didnt take it very well and after the meeting I went home and sent some texts that I shouldn’t have, and lo and behold the police show up about twenty minutes later.

I was taken to the hospital via ambulance and certified so that I wouldnt escape. And I spent the night in a holding cell in the Emergency Room. I saw the psychiatrist in the morning and they changed my meds and made me an out-patient appointment so that I could continue to see this psychiatrist and get care as I didnt at the time have a psychiatrist that was following me at all.

However, all was not for naught because I learned a few things with this most recent hospitalization…

First of all I learned that I need to find better ways to deal with my problems. I can’t run to my tried and true method of threatening suicide when something doesnt go the way that I want it to. As this isnt going to help me get where I want to in my life, it is simply going to hold me back.

Secondly I cant allow other people’s shit to effect me. I cant allow the opinions or actions of others to effect my self-worth and self-perception. Rather I have to make a conscious decision that I am going to let other peoples shit be their shit, and my shit is the only shit that I am going to allow to bother me. It is a choice that people make to put their backs up and allow the opinions or actions of others over which they have no control to effect them either positively or negatively. I can’t afford to do that, I have to simply let things roll off of me or else I am going to have a very difficult and truly shitty life ahead of me.