I know that those of us who are perceived as “high-functioning” have some real privilege compared to people who are perceived as “low-functioning.” For one thing, we’re less likely to get harassed by cops. I also know that there are huge differences among the ways different people experience madness and mental disability. I also think that the division really hurts all of us.
I want a world where we can all get what we need and get treated with dignity, where institutions don’t get to decide who deserves what based on what label they put on us.
Depression and anxiety are very common among gay men, and some of the most common reasons why some gay men feel depressed include the homophobia surrounding them of the feeling of guilt. I have many gay friends that use to feel guilty about being gay, because they believe they have not only disappointed and saddened their family, but also their friends. However, this isn’t a general rule. When it comes to depression, it is classified in chronic depression and severe depression. Fortunately, both of them can be treated.
Once upon a time, there was me. I was a drunk. I wanted to die. I couldn’t handle the way I was living anymore. So I went into a recovery house. I failed. I went to another one. Three years into sobriety I had a mental breakdown. Things have been fucked ever since. But through it all I’ve also had this eating disorder, see. So it’s not enough to try to get my life back from mental illness. I’ve got an eating disorder too.
I would like to welcome the newest member of our writing team, Kaity Marie Baldwin. In her first post with us, she talks about taking responsibility for one’s own mental health. Thanks for sharing with us, Kaity!
It took me a long time to realize how lucky I was: a psychiatrist, a therapist, medication. All of these arranged in my life to provide the support I so desperately needed but wished I didn’t. Who wants to see a psychiatrist for the rest of their lives? Who wants to need therapy sessions? Support can sometimes be a reminder of why you need it, and it makes you feel so helpless.
Sobriety is a different forest, and one I am picking my way through carefully. The level of commitment that AA seems to require is daunting, as is the god issue. But I have seen people speak there that moved and affected me in a way that was more beneficial than any serenity prayer. Balancing cynicism and nihilism with the all-to-clear possibility of death, I’ve relapsed this month but I’m trying to embrace the program without losing myself. When I relapsed, my wife yelled at me to give her the rest of the bottle of vodka, and all I could say was, “I want something to myself, that is mine.” I gave her the bottle. I want to believe I have other things to hold onto, but the glacial heft of a glass bottle is a hand held.
The last few weeks have been chaotic for me. I’ve been in a mixed episode, and starting last week, I’ve been hearing voices. Whispers, chatter, and someone calling my name. All either alone, or only with my partner nearby, and she’s confirmed that they aren’t things that she’s heard. I’ve also been feeling like the crows that wake me up in the morning are mocking me. I’ve known for months that something like this was inevitable, but it’s still jarring to experience a psychotic episode for your first time.
Seven years ago I got tired of living my life the way I was. I couldn’t stop drinking, smoking, eating or doing drugs. I was sick constantly. I was living in harmful situations with toxic people, and each and every day was exactly the same. My only respite was to go out and get loaded again.
HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. You should never make any important decision when you are any of these things.
There’s an organization in NYC that I’ve been really interested in joining. It’s called Rainbow Heights Club and its tagline is “Support and Advocacy for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Mental Health Consumers.” Sounds great to me! I’ve heard some good things about it over the years from staff and members. Some of the groups sound really interesting to me. They include topics like sex, spirituality, stress, skills, and changing the way mental health services get provided to LGBT people.
The thing with suicide, though, is that it isn’t just a single event. It’s a trigger event that sets off waves of destruction, and even those who aren’t directly linked to that person, who aren’t close to them, are affected, and the ripple effects are wide spread and devastating to everyone within reach. We’re all affected, particularly in the queer community, and doubly so in the trans community.
