Sobriety & ResentmentsPosted in Alcoholism, Medications, Mental Illness, Sobriety, Stigma By Yael Cohen On November 28, 2012
No one ever said that this whole sobriety thing would be easy but I have found that it gets a whole lot harder the longer I go. I went to AA, I got a sponsor; I did everything that they told me to do. I even managed to go to a meeting a day. Yet at the same time the longer that I stay dry the more social situations that I find myself in where I am saying to myself, maybe one more would be okay. Take for example last night, I was asked over for a social occasion and it inevitably lead to me picking up, a beer in this case. But that beer lead to Tequila shots which led to, etc. etc. I got scary drunk, more drunk then I have gotten in a long time and while nothing bad happened, and I made it home safely and managed to crawl into bed. But see my alcoholic mentally ill mind tells me that because I did that, because nothing “bad” happened that it must be okay for me to drink again.
I resent not being able to drink just like I resent having to take so many kinds of medication. Im sure many readers will think to themselves that I should shut up as the 13 pills that I have to take every morning in order to stay sane are not that great a grievance. That I should be thankful that they exist and that I can live a healthy and productive life. However I do resent them, and when I resent them I stop taking them and when I stop taking them I start to drink again and skip meetings and then “bad” things do happen!
I think that my mental health and my alcoholism go hand in hand. When I am happy and I drink nothing negative happens, however when I drink when I am down, my life is nothing but negatives, however I can’t remain happy for long when drinking. When I drink I automatically go to that negative head space. I resent that. I resent that I can’t drink like a normal person, I also resent that I have to take medication for my mental health and to top it off I resent that I resent it all to begin with.
So what do I do with all of this resentment? Does it make me stop drinking and stay dry? I wish that I could say that it does, but back to the beginning of this article, I have found that it simply makes me want to drink more. Its not that I want to get loaded, it is more that I am mad that I can’t get loaded so I want it even more.
I wish that I had an answer that would satisfy me and that I could conclude this article with however I am early very early in my sobriety. I just relapsed and I have merely a day sober and I keep going in and out of the program. I am earning quite a collection of AA Just For A Day coins. I welcome any suggestions from readers to keep me sober, healthy, and happy!
I'm a 26 year old lesbian woman living in Vernon, British Columbia. I hold a certificate and diploma in general studies from Thompson Rivers University Open Learning and an Associate of Arts in General Studies from Thompson Rivers University.
i have a lot of similar resentment towards my eating disorder, and it just makes it harder to avoid disordered behaviors, because the resentment rots in my head, and to deal with it i turn to food. when i remember to, i try to be kind to myself and forgive myself when i mess up… and its so hard and i rarely manage, but when i do, the constant urge lessens.
i wish you the best with your sobriety, and hope you’re ok.
I am in a similar place, except I am not making any effort to stop the crazy drinking. I hate so much the idea of stopping, I have stopped before, but at the same time the recent death of my wife sends everything haywire. I just wanted to send you good wishes and hope it works out for you.
Hiya Yael, I found that the steps helped me with resentments. But I have been working steps for 8 years and working on resentments and I STILL manage to form them.
One thing that helps me is to get them out of me as soon as I notice them forming. The whole “Secrets keep us sick” stuff.
So let’s say a friend says something shitty, and it gets to me. I will talk to them or someone close to me about it and nip it in the butt before it turns into a big resentment. I work on shit as soon as it comes up before it festers and makes my life unmanageable.
Sometimes I resent that I can’t drink. But usually I do not. I am so used to NOT drinking now that it no longer appeals to me. And I am so used to “playing the tape through” of what happens when I do drink that I cannot fathom it working for me. Like you, if I try to have one, one always turns to 6, and then 12, and then waking up and not remembering what happened or where I am. I was into hard drugs but I found alcohol to be one of the worst drugs out there.
Don’t give up. And listen to those old timers and their corny sayings. One day at a time, and if that doesn’t work, one hour at a time. And work steps. They are a great map for personal growth and they work for mental health stuff, too.
Also, don’t hang with drinkers frequently. The only two times I have found myself close to using in the past 8 years were when I was dating every day drinkers and partiers, and not having other sober folks in my life. It knocks me out of wack. I can associate with users/drinkers on occasion, but not regularly. And I cannot date people who drink more than once in a while, if at all.