Sobriety & Resentments

No one ever said that this whole sobriety thing would be easy but I have found that it gets a whole lot harder the longer I go. I went to AA, I got a sponsor; I did everything that they told me to do. I even managed to go to a meeting a day. Yet at the same time the longer that I stay dry the more social situations that I find myself in where I am saying to myself, maybe one more would be okay. Take for example last night, I was asked over for a social occasion and it inevitably lead to me picking up, a beer in this case. But that beer lead to Tequila shots which led to, etc. etc. I got scary drunk, more drunk then I have gotten in a long time and while nothing bad happened, and I made it home safely and managed to crawl into bed. But see my alcoholic mentally ill mind tells me that because I did that, because nothing “bad” happened that it must be okay for me to drink again.

I resent not being able to drink just like I resent having to take so many kinds of medication. Im sure many readers will think to themselves that I should shut up as the 13 pills that I have to take every morning in order to stay sane are not that great a grievance. That I should be thankful that they exist and that I can live a healthy and productive life. However I do resent them, and when I resent them I stop taking them and when I stop taking them I start to drink again and skip meetings and then “bad” things do happen!

I think that my mental health and my alcoholism go hand in hand. When I am happy and I drink nothing negative happens, however when I drink when I am down, my life is nothing but negatives, however I can’t remain happy for long when drinking. When I drink I automatically go to that negative head space. I resent that. I resent that I can’t drink like a normal person, I also resent that I have to take medication for my mental health and to top it off I resent that I resent it all to begin with.

So what do I do with all of this resentment? Does it make me stop drinking and stay dry? I wish that I could say that it does, but back to the beginning of this article, I have found that it simply makes me want to drink more. Its not that I want to get loaded, it is more that I am mad that I can’t get loaded so I want it even more.

I wish that I had an answer that would satisfy me and that I could conclude this article with however I am early very early in my sobriety. I just relapsed and I have merely a day sober and I keep going in and out of the program. I am earning quite a collection of AA Just For A Day coins. I welcome any suggestions from readers to keep me sober, healthy, and happy!

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