Editor’s note: this is a continuation of Fuck. Schizoaffective?

It’s been two months since my diagnosis. Two months to process the psychosis, the diagnosis. Two months to adjust to new medication.

Tags: attention span, bipolar disorder, caffeine, careers, delusions, diagnosis, dignity, disability, dizziness, drooling, fears, gender identity, hearing voices, heart condition, insomnia, intelligence, mania, medication, mood swings, partners, psychosis, QueerMentalHealth.org, restlessness, risperidone, runny nose, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, seroquel, stigma, tea, tiredness, transition, what if game

The last few weeks have been chaotic for me. I’ve been in a mixed episode, and starting last week, I’ve been hearing voices. Whispers, chatter, and someone calling my name. All either alone, or only with my partner nearby, and she’s confirmed that they aren’t things that she’s heard. I’ve also been feeling like the crows that wake me up in the morning are mocking me. I’ve known for months that something like this was inevitable, but it’s still jarring to experience a psychotic episode for your first time.

Tags: Abilify, agitation, antipsychotic, anxiety, atypical antipsychotics, bipolar disorder, bipolar II disorder, challenges, comfort, confusion, crying, delusions, depression, diagnosis, dosages, emotional support, emotions, family, family support, fear, free choice, hearing voices, honesty, hospitalization, hypomania, informed consent, irritation, lamictal, lamotrigine, mania, medication, mixed episodes, mood, numbness, Oppression Olympics, partners, privacy, psychiatrists, psychosis, quality of life, queer-friendly doctors, relationships, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, sedation, self-harm, seroquel, stigma, suicidal thoughts, support, symptoms, therapy, thought processes

A pair of photosets I took during a hospital stay.

Tags: hearing voices, hospitalization, photography, photosets, stigma, voices

I am not sure where to start. There is so little I remember. I’m not even certain of my exact diagnosis now. Is it psychotic depression or schizoaffective disorder? Or something else? It doesn’t really matter.

Tags: Abilify, abuse, anxiety, auditory hallucinations, autism, college, delusions, depression, emotional abuse, family, fear, grief, hallucinations, hearing voices, high school, hospitalization, paranoia, Prozac, psychosis, psychotic depression, Saphris, schizoaffective disorder, self-care, suicidal thoughts

I grew up a white, middle-class, cisgendered, femme bisexual. These are the labels and privilege that I am willing to claim. When I reached 33 and went on SSDI, I went on food stamps. The transformation from Daddy’s Girl who just had to get another temp job to actual psychotic starving schizophrenic who had to take anti-anxiety medication to take out the trash was a process but has landed here. With me, today. Taking a handful of pills so that I can be brave enough to go use my EBT.

Tags: anxiety, ativan, auditory hallucinations, bisexual, cisgender, coping strategies, delusions, deserving, disability, EBT, Food Stamps, hallucinations, hearing voices, honesty, invisible disability, perception, poverty, privilege, psychosis, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, shame, SSDI, stigma, visibiliity, voices

In honor of Schizophrenia Awareness Day, QueerMentalHealth.org is going purple for the day. Thanks, Coda, for reminding us why this day is so important.

“I was schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.”

How many of you have heard that ‘joke’ before? And how many of you know how misinformed that ‘joke’ is? I was on a bus a while back, and overheard some young people making ‘schizophrenia’ jokes, saying things like, “Oh, that was my other personality. I have schizophrenia.” Unfortunately, this misconception is all too common. This is why I will wear purple on May 24th.

Tags: daily struggles, Dissociative Identity Disorder, fear, hearing voices, media portrayals, misconceptions, psychosis, schizophrenia, Schizophrenia Awareness Day, stigma

Trigger warning for description of psychotic hallucinations, mentions of drug addiction & alcoholism

Schizoaffective Disorder, a fusion between Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, combines the symptoms of both. I was diagnosed with it three years ago after a lifetime of Bipolar I with psychotic symptoms. I could say the results were shattering, but in a way the diagnosis was a relief: to have a name for the paranoia, the white vans following me whenever I left the house, an explanation for the voices, the dialogue constantly critiquing my actions. The schizophrenic break came that terrifying summer after graduating from an MFA program with no prospects and huge debt, but perhaps I should begin at the beginning.

Tags: Abilify, addiction, alcohol, ativan, bipolar disorder, cocaine, delusions, depression, diagnosis, disability, domestic violence, Fanapt, friends, hallucinations, hearing voices, hospitalization, isolation, lexapro, mania, medications, paranoia, promiscuity, psychosis, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, self-medication, shaming, SSDI, substance abuse, Tegretol, Topamax, Wellbutrin, Zoloft

Trigger warnings for description of psychotic episodes and a suicide attempt, in detail, and violent imagery.

I have Schizophrenia. I find certain words can lose their sting when we just come out and say them. So I’m saying it. I live with Schizophrenia. This is my story.

Tags: abandonment, BPD, Christianity, concentration, cutting, delusions, grief, hallucinations, hearing voices, high school, hospitalization, loss of friends, paranoia, psychosis, recovery, religion, schizophrenia, self-harm, self-injury, stability, suicide, suicide attempt, voices, Wicca, withdrawal